It’s every girl’s dream. A beautiful gown, a handsome prince and the promise of forever. The dream paints a fairytale and etches “happily ever after” in our hearts. It’s what we long for. It’s what we search for, knowing that our beloved will complete our lives.
And then one day we find it. We walk down the aisle to forever and we promise.
To love and to cherish…
In sickness and in health…
Till death do us part…
To love and to cherish…Till death do us part.
The very words fall heavy on my heart: the fairytale shattered. Tainted by years of angry comments and selfish manipulations. Blemished by a recording of wrongs and a refusing to forgive. We all want to believe that it’s not true of our own marriage, of our own hearts, but the truth tells a different story. Marriage is hard. It’s not a fairy tale and the doing is a very different story than we imagined.
So we live in denial… until everything falls apart.
I’ve been there. My “happily ever after” crashed head on into betrayal. My heart begged to wake up from the horrific nightmare only to find it a dream. But it wasn’t a dream. It was 3am and I wept alone in that bed playing the words over and over again in my mind. “I don’t love you.”
“I’ve NEVER loved you.” The words cut deep into my soul. My mind couldn’t be wrapped around the insanity of such a statement. Instead I replayed countless memories of smiles, precious babes being born, and nights in his arms. While no marriage is perfect, I could only remember a good one. I was blind to the dark tunnel that our selfish ambitions had hurled us into. I unknowingly refused to see the blaring holes that I had tried to fill with the love of a man. Holes that could never be filled by anything but a holy God. Holes that left me demanding and unsatisfied.
He left. Tears invaded as I watched the brake lights of ”happily ever after” fade into the distance. The moments were excruciating. Questions haunting.
What do I do now?
To everyone else, the answer seemed obvious. Kick him out and demand a divorce. After all, the Bible allows for it in the case of adultery, right? I’d heard it so many times. Honestly, it sounded pretty good…until I remembered the vow. The words spoken before a holy God. To love and to cherish…till death do us part. By HIS grace, God had begun changing me. He whispered promises in my ear. Promises of healing and redemption. Promises that He loved and adored me. Promises that He would carry me through. I realized that love wasn’t what made a marriage work. It was the covenant: the promise of forever. I knew that I must honor this covenant, even if he wouldn’t.
As high as God is above man, so high are the sanctity, the rights, and the promise of love. It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.
~DIETRICH BONHOEFFER, Letters and Papers from Prison, 27–28 (taken from This Momentary Marriage)
Friend, is your marriage in trouble? Maybe the suitcases are packed. Maybe he/she has been gone for years. No matter what your circumstances are… you are not the only one who has ever been through this kind of pain. You are not the only one to ever lose hope or wonder how God could possibly restore your marriage.
I know you want to give up. But you promised. You made a covenant before God to love him/her. Will you honor it?
I would love for you to join me here every Tuesday as we stand. Intentionally. Honoring the vow we made….loving, forgiving, and trusting in His beautiful plan for our lives. Until next week, you can find me on the Intentionally Standing Facebook page, a private group where we can encourage one another or over at Not Consumed. I can’t wait to meet you.
{This post was linked up with Hip Homeschool, Growing Home, Far Above Rubies, Raising Homemakers, Deep Roots at Home, New Life Steward, Women Living Well, and We are THAT family}
About Kim Sorgius
Kim, I’m not in this situation right now, but I just wanted to say that this was so beautifully expressed. Thank you for offering hope to the many women who are struggling in difficult marriages. And thank you for allowing God to work everything for the good through your difficult situation.
Thanks, Elizabeth. I enjoy reading your blog, as well! It’s clear that we share the same passion for marriage.
Kim, the story of what God is doing in your life is so compelling- I thank God for crossing our paths. You are an amazing addition to Intentionally Yours. When I was standing for our marriage, I wish I’d had resources like “Not Consumed” and “Intentionally Standing”. Thank you for sharing your heart to encourage others to let God rewrite their stories, too!
I’m equally thrilled that God put us together and I’m honored to be a part of what you guys are doing here at Intentionally yours!
I, too, have unfortunately had to deal with infidelity—-3 times!!! This last time, my husband decided to move in with the other “person” and it totally devastated me to the point where I have filed for a divorce. It’s such a sad situation; but he has no care in the world to work on this. I am a Christian and I have struggled with the right decision on whether I was okay biblically to file for a divorce or not. I have always stood for my marriage; my VOWS do mean everything to me…..but when they leave you, there is nothing we can do, but turn it ALL over to God. I haven’t given up hope that one day, he will turn his life back to God….see, he was a Praise and Worship leader in our church, and somehow allowed the Devil to tempt him yet once again with someone else…..I really do believe that my husband has a Sex Addiction, but he refuses to see that in him self….I totally agree with what you are standing for; I have tried it the last 2 times and it was so hard, but I felt in my heart and soul that I was doing the right thing….this time, things just seem different. I pray for total healing, reconciliation, and restoration in your marriage…may God give you the peace to endure your storm…God bless!!!
RaeAnne, it is devastating when your husband pursues his selfish desires and chooses to move in with his girlfriend. It is SO not what either of you meant when you said “I do.” God’s purpose for your marriage doesn’t change with devastating circumstances….in fact, I’d say He uses what the enemy brings against us to fulfill one of His purposes for marriage- to make you more Christlike. It’s difficult and there is nothing inside of you that wants to persevere long-suffering for your prodigal spouse, but it is there that the heart work happens in you and in your husband.
Scott would tell you that he wouldn’t be here today- we wouldn’t be married and he wouldn’t be breathing- if I hadn’t chosen to stand for our marriage when he couldn’t. Check out our story here: http://www.familylife.com/audio/series/series-featured-in-2012/love-renewed-scott-and-sherry-jennings
RaeAnne, know that we’re praying for you and your husband, that God will move mightily in both your lives, breaking your hearts for Him and for each other, giving you each a hunger and a desire for Him that neither of you will be able to deny! And yes, we’re praying for reconciliation and redemption beyond your wildest dreams and imagination, too!
I just want to speak in agreement with Sherry. Oh friend, I know it seems hopeless, but please don’t give up! My husband moved in with the other person and moved out just about as fast. His behavior is often NO INDICATION of what God is doing behind the scenes!
My husband has been gone 10 months. He is having an affair. I’m praying for a miracle! He has turned totally away from God. I’m terrified of his ungodly influence on my two little ones. And yet, all things work together for GOOD to them that love God. I’m trusting in that.
Hi Robin,
Girl, I’m so sorry. I know that pain so well and it breaks my heart every single time I hear of another family going through the same thing. It took me a while, but I learned that God loves my children more than I could possibly love them. I can trust HIM to care for them no matter where they are. In addition, the influence that a praying and godly momma has on her children can NOT be undone by the enemy. Praying for you, sweet friend. Here is something I wrote that might help…
http://www.notconsumed.com/2012/04/18/surviving-every-other-weekend/
Kim I am right in that moment. I kicked him out in June after he spent a wk binge drinking after already bring arrested for dui before mother’s day. Id hope it would wake him up but instead he went deper into sin. He filed for divorce.and began an again with a 20yr old 2wks ago. I just found out Friday and have been sick to my stomach for days.I was standing and believing for restoration before this but was ready to give up until today. Thank you for sharing. Finally someone who truly understands. I to am a mom of 4 also homeschooling.
Janet, I hope you joined both my Intentionally Standing Facebook group and my single mom homeschooling Facebook group. I would be honored to walk along side you, connect and share encouragement. Sadly, I can relate to the pain, the adultery, the 20 somethings, and the feeling in your stomach. Let me say this…your beloved is in God’s hands and HE will do what HE has promised. Believe, my friend. You will want to give up. Maybe over and over again. It’s called being human.
But, whatever you do, don’t listen to the enemy’s pleas to give up your family. Don’t let him win. No matter what anyone else says- God has the victory! Proclaim it!
Here is the link to the single mom homeschooling group….http://www.facebook.com/groups/263517960434118/
You are a very strong person. I admire you – if I were in your shoes, I’m not sure what I would do. Thank you for your inspiring words!
How beautifully and bravely expressed. My husband and I just celebrated our 13th anniversary yesterday, but you’re so right. Marriage is hard work. It must be intentional. So good to have that reminder.
You don’t say, but I’m assuming you and your husband are still together. If so, good for you,Kim! I’m glad you stayed true to your vows no matter how painful or bleak your situation. I’ve been in similar dark moments in life and God has taught me much through it. Thanks for your vulnerability and encouragement here!
Hi Beth. We are not together at this time. I am intentionally standing, praying for restoration and healing over the extreme brokenness in our family.
I have been seperated from my husband for a year and a half. Unfortunately I left him because he had become abusive. He was arrested after the last time and charged with uttering death threats and producing a weapon on 2 accounts. I didn’t leave after the first time because he was getting help and I truly took our marriage vows very seriously. We were toghether over 20 years, 18 of those we were married. I haven’t filed for divorce yet and I am not in any hurry. I am not involved with anyone and don’t plan to be for a while. He on the other hand is on his 2nd relationship, there first date was on our wedding anniversary, I cried all day. I will not return because there is no guarantee that he wouldn’t follow through with his threats. But I grieve our marriage everyday. Clare
Kim,
I am repeatedly in awe of your bold testimony for the Lord and your faithfulness to encourage other women in similar situations. Thank you for standing firm in the Lord.
Mary Beth