“OUR CULTURE HAS BOUGHT INTO TWO HUGE LIES. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear them or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” – Rick Warren
I didn’t immediately know that I was “standing” for my marriage. Honestly, I’m not even sure what I was doing. I knew that I loved my husband and when I married him I told him that I didn’t believe in divorce. I was serious about my commitment. I had grown up in a broken home. Maybe I was fearful that my children would grow up with the same insecurities and hardships that I had faced as a kid. Or perhaps I was simply embarassed that I had failed as a wife. All I knew was that God wouldn’t allow me to let go of the life that I had built was this man.
My choice to forgive him was met with a lot of opposition. Friends, family, and pastors warned me that if I let him stay, that I would be condoning his behavior.
I think we are tempted to buy this lie as standers. We fear that if we stand for our marriage, it means that we condone adultery or addictions. Not so. We can stand for our marriage and what is right WITHOUT agreeing with the behavior of our spouse. It’s called grace.
You see, I am not more worthy of God’s grace than my beloved. My sins are counted the same and without God I live in a hopeless state of depravity. Standing for your marriage is not a license for your beloved to commit adultery or give in to an alcohol addiction. It’s not permission to view pornography or break your vow. It’s a compassionate extention of the same grace that has covered our own depravity.
It’s called love. Real love. The unadulterated kind of love that is exclusive in the Bible. The kind of love that is patient and kind. It’s the kind of love that bears all things and endures all things. Not some things. Not most things. ALL things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Love endures ALL things.
This may not be the kind of love that the world wants to give. It’s not self-serving or contingent on the love of another. It’s not filled with fairytale endings or romantic dinners. We’d like to think that this is God’s definition. We want to insert a few words into that verse like- love endures all things, except when he/she…
But God didn’t write that. He said…love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
This is God’s kind of love. And it’s forever. (v.8)
Do you find this kind of love difficult? We’d love to hear about your experiences.
Are you looking for encouragement as you stand for you marriage despite circumstances? Please join us at Intentionally Standing.
{linking up with Time-Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, and Growing Home}
About Kim Sorgius
What do you do when your husband makes you feel most of the time that you aren’t wanted when he is with his buddies? What do you do when he makes plans and takes the time to spend with his buddies but doesnt do the same for his wife?
My first step would be to talk to him about it. During a NON conflict time when the two of you can devote time to a conversation, I would tell him the specific behaviors that make you feel a certain way. Remember to use “I” and not “you.” For example, you might say, I feel like we aren’t getting enough time together. Then present a solution to the problem- “do you think we could go to a movie on Friday?” (Or whatever you might like to do, even if it’s just watching tv together or talking a walk in the park)
If this doesn’t work- pray that his heart will be turned toward God and then subsequently toward you as his wife. Be gentle with your words and careful not to assume anything about his intentions.
Perhaps Sherry or Beverly can offer additional advice.
Thank you very much for this. I found this post on the Teach Me link up. I have never heard of your blog “Intentionally Standing” before but I am excited to start following your posts. Right now, my marriage is dealing with job loss. My husband has found a few temporary/odd jobs, but nothing permanent in quite some time. I have a friend who is encouraging me to kick him out of our home, but I promised my life to him and I don’t think she understands that. This friend is incredibly nosy and tries to give me advice to “pass along” to him. I care very much for my friend but she is very much on my last nerve.
I hope your blog can provide the encouragement I need. Thank you.
The next time your friend offers up information to “pass along” to your hubby, perhaps you should ask her not to do it anymore. Such advice only stands to hurt him and your marriage. I have a policy when it comes to other people’s advice for my marriage…once you have prayed over it and asked God if it’s right for AT LEAST as long as I have, then I would be happy to listen to your advice. Sadly, many people simply offer damaging advice off-the-cuff and that advice is typically very worldly. Biblically, you are simply not free to kick him out! You are called to love him, encourage him AND pray for him. Even if his choices aren’t what you would have picked. Don’t forget, he is responsible before God for his choices, just as you are responsible for yours. I’m so glad that you have found encouraging words here today, friend. Never give up on your marriage!!
I’ve extended grace to my husband & loved him unconditionally. His family doesn’t see his sin and ignore what he’s done; they stand by him because he’s their relative. We’re divorced now & they cheer him on. I loved him & cared for him through crisis after crisis from consequences of his poor choices. He knows God’s word however 15 mths ago he decided he walk out on our marriage & God for another woman. I keep praying.
Liz,
Sadly your story is most often the case. The in-laws are in a very difficult position. That doesn’t make it right for them to write you off by any means, I would just encourage you to remember that the battle is against the enemy. Not your husband, the other woman, or his parents. I’m praying for you as you stand. Praying that you would feel God’s arms wrapped around you!
This has so much truth. I fear it’ll be mistaken for “if hubby likes pornography stand by your marriage and don’t bother throwing out the computer.” I don’t think your post means that you shouldn’t seek avenues of help and support when in a difficult marriage situation. I think it is great that you have pointed out the basic here. Just love him. Love is hard sometimes. Love means doing things you’d rather not do sometimes. But to stop loving him when he needs grace the most is the opposite of what marriage is all about!
All that to say, I agree with you. Ha!
You are right…there are sometimes things that God calls us to do, but all too often we act out of our own hurt and not out of what God wants us to do. We can’t babysit, parent, or put restrictions on our spouse. He/she must choose to walk away from sin on their own. (Trust me, bashing the computer will do no good!) However, sometimes God will call us to a particular action. I purposely left anything like that out of this post because I can not assume that I know what God wants for anyone else’s situation. I don’t always get it right in my own situation!
I truly believe that any spouse on bended knee, will know what to do!
Stopped in from LIB…great post…I am right now in the middle of 5 marriages hanging on a cliff…all have for different reasons…but oh how the roots are the same…this kind of love requires a real look at ourselves…and a willingness to die thousands of small and big deaths…but when the spouse/wife is willing to allow the process to transform her…not just looking for her husband to be transformed…God can do amazing work…Grace looks radical…but don’t we all need this radical faith. blessings to you~