The pews filled quickly as I searched for my friend. A sea of smiling faces, dressed in their finest attire gathered to worship. I take the seat beside her as the music begins. Surrounded by couples and families, I fix my gaze on the screen and pour my heart out to God. But I don’t miss it. A woman leans in and whispers something in her husband’s ear. He pulls her close and they worship within each other’s embrace. My heart sinks.
I remember the days when my beloved stood beside me. The days when we stood arm in arm before a holy God in adoration. Tears swell and I fight to stuff the pain down. The pastor continues and we open our Bibles. I’m focused on the scripture but I don’t miss it. Just down the pew a man reaches over and clasps his wife’s hand as they read the Word together. The pain surrounds me.
For years I’ve desperately pretended not to notice the vast loneliness next to me. Yet, it burns more than I care to admit.
My mind flashes back to that first Sunday. I stood at the door watching his break lights in the distance, just hours before church. That night sleep never came, just promises whispered from my Father. Sore from grieving I wandered into the church as if nothing had changed. I slipped in next to a friend and her husband. In front of me, behind me and everywhere I could see were happy couples and godly daddies. Tears fell from the first moment till the last. Then 7 days later we did it again. And then 7 days later we did it again. For months and then years I would come. The tears became less frequent and the friends began to fade into the crowd.
For years, the seat beside me has stood empty and my heart cried out for relief. I find my mind wandering into dangerous waters as I imagine what it would be like to fill that seat and once again worship as a family. I’ve entertained the thought that perhaps God has someone else planned for me. I’ve listened to the pleas of a single man and found myself wanting to say yes.
But this morning I watch as a godly daddy holds hands with his bride over their open Bible. The beauty overwhelms. One man, one woman…forever.
Suddenly the words of the pastor come back into focus… There is a difference between knowledge of God’s word and acceptance. His words sear my heart. I’m embarased that I haven’t a clue what he has even said up until this point, but have no doubt that God intended his sentence to invade. I know the promise, but I don’t always accept it. I plead for it to be different. Beg that the pain would be taken from me and all the while my gaze is fixed on the one thing that has no significance in my life.
I glance at the empty seat and the folded hands over their Bible. Tears swell as I remember. I’m saving this seat for my beloved. No one else can ever fill it.
How about you? Will you save that seat?
Friend, if you are looking for encoruagement to fight for your marriage, please join us in a private facebook group: Intentionally Standing.
About Kim Sorgius
Bless you Kim! I understand the pain. I remind myself that God sees all our tears and that there is joy in the morning! Inch by inch it’s a cinch my daddy always says….so there’s just enough light for the step you are taking and know that our Father is right there with us! Lord manifest your promises mightily for those who lay at your feet!
Kim, Scott never really attended church with me before our marriage hit the skids…but I’ll never forget the vision God gave me when I was standing for my marriage. He showed me Scott with hands raised high, praising God next to me in a worship service. THAT VISION propelled me, God showed me that He wanted Scott’s salvation more than I wanted my marriage. And that helped me want Scott’s salvation more than our marriage, too!
What a blessing to read. Thank you for sharing. My daughter’s father left when I was six months pregnant and ever since I have longed for the void to be filled and longed for her to have a father like I did, a godly father. Thank you for the encouragement. It is nice to hear when others feel the same way and know that God is still there and knows our desires.
Thank you for your courage. My husband and I separated 2 wks ago after 23.5 yrs of marriage and almost as many counselors. I have been alone as a single person and alone as a married one. The pain is equal but different. I’d pick alone and single almost any day, I think. I sit here tonight wondering how a 54 YO woman with a 15YO left at home will get from here to next week let alone next year. I am thankful for ladies like you who share your journey and point the way. Blessings.