I keep hearing song after song after song that tugs at my heart. Songs that were a source of strength and comfort to me, when I was terrified of the road that lay ahead. I spent much of my life, captive to fear. In the months following my homecoming in February 2012, and through countless counseling sessions, we dug up the root of my fear. It stemmed from an external event that occurred when I was a child. This event set into motion irrational fears and paranoia that followed me for almost thirty years. Fears that kept me locked inside my own house and mind for far too long. Fears for myself, my husband, and my children. Fears of the outside world.helder k via Compfight cc
When I came home to my marriage last February, I was terrified. I was so scared that Kris would hurt me again. I was afraid that his change was only temporary. I was worried that we would find ourselves back in the same patterns of sin. There was a huge risk involved in coming home. I like to be in control. And this was something I could not control. I couldn't control the future, or the choices Kris would make. There was absolutely nothing that I could control, except for the choices I made. I chose to go home, knowing that it had to be enough. Knowing that I was scared, but finally beginning to hope that my heart would be safe this time.
There are times in our lives that we feel completely alone, and terrified. We can't control anything or anyone around us, and sometimes we have to risk everything, hoping that all will work out in the end. That isn't an easy choice to make. That's why I admire the courage of those who are standing for their marriages. It is anything but easy to stay in (or go back to) a marriage that is broken.
There is a line in the song "Without Running Away" that says "And be free of the burden of the living that hoping requires..." Wow. How many times did I find myself in that exact same place? Wanting to be free of the burden of living that hoping required? Hope isn't easy.
Some of us live with those enslaved in addictions. But there is a line in this song that alludes to the fact that the pain we ourselves live with can be an addiction. Have you ever thought about it that way before? I know I hadn't before hearing this song. But the more I reflect on it, the more I believe it is true.
"But wounded’s a part that I’ve learned to play well
Though the wound may run deeper than I know how to tell
Where pain’s an addiction that keeps me buried alive
But when it’s all that I know, I’m afraid to leave it behind"
Wow. Did you catch that? Pain can be an addiction that keeps us buried alive. Just like fear has always been for me. How many of you are living that way, because it's all that you know, and you are terrified to leave it behind? I've been there. I've lived through that pain, and I understand how hopelessness feels.
God wants us to know and BELIEVE that when we feel like all is lost, there is still hope to be found. But until we understand who we are in Christ, we will not fully see the hope that is there, just waiting for us to grasp. 2 Corinthians 5:17 - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
Maybe it's time to take a risk. Maybe it's time to "bring your heart to every day; run the risk of fearlessly loving without running away."
Have you chosen to love fearlessly? Tell us about it!