I held her tiny, frail hand today. I tried to be strong and refrain from crying, but as she began to share her struggles with the Anorexia, her desire to be healed, and her longing to find a church that would love her unconditionally, not judging of her past imperfections, I was totally broken.
The tears began to flow from my eyes. I’ll admit, I do not confess to have the gift of prophesy, but I felt an urging to speak life and give her hope. I looked my beautiful friend straight in the eyes and said, “Our GOD will restore. Our GOD will restore, and then you will take back what the dirty locust has eaten. The months and days that you have been in bondage to these insecurities will be restored to you.” My friend looked at me and as she wept, she whispered back, “Yes, I want it all back.”
I struggled with writing this series. In all honesty, the pain is still very tender. You see, years ago, my marriage was attacked and nearly destroyed because of several reasons, one of those being my own secret battle with low self-esteem. I look back and see now where I was entrapped into that very dark pit of comparing myself to others and believing the fake standards that the world had set for beauty. Just being candid, it led me to a shameful sin in my life, the sin of coveting. I wanted her legs, her arms, her tan, her wardrobe. Didn’t I deserve a marriage and a home like she has? Let me have all of these things and I will throw in a little Jesus on the side, and that should make it all complete, right?
I remember shortly after giving birth to my son Tyler, I lost my job, and that, with other compounding factors, led me to that feeling of a low sense of worth. At one time I was fifty to sixty pounds heavier. Enslaved to my bondage with the low self-esteem, I struggled with my eating habits and turned to junk food for comfort. The stress and anxiety of dealing with all of this began to take its toll on my body and at one point my thick brown hair began to slowly fall out. I would weep uncontrollably as I would remove the globs of hair from the bottom of the shower. How could my husband love me when I didn't even love myself?
I no longer felt attractive and would lounge around at night wearing oversized pajamas. I had absolutely no desire to be intimate with my husband because I could not bear the thought of him seeing me naked. All I chose to see was my stretch marks, the cellulite, the "cottage cheese" legs.. As a matter of fact, at my persistence, sexual encounters rarely took place unless they were in complete darkness.
There were occasions that I can recall when my husband went away on business trips that upon his return home, the first thing I would do was to rummage through his suitcase and sports coat pockets in search of telephone numbers, or messages from other women. I allowed Satan to control and manipulate my thoughts. It was all I dwelled on. My insecurities consumed me.
I don't know how, but I mustered enough strength and willpower to lose a significant amount of weight. I’ll be honest I was motivated pure out of spite and bitterness towards my husband. It was evident he was so involved in his successful career. We had placed kids, work, community service and other priorities above our marriage, which was desperately struggling. If this makes any sense, at one point we were living in the same house, yet it seemed as if we were merely roommates. My selfish intentions were not to lose the weight for health reasons but to merely get back at him for the rejection I was feeling.
There are many of you reading this even now that you know all about that feeling of rejection. You to are finding yourself right smack dab in the middle of that battle of insecurity that I was in. I want to share with you those very same words I shared with my friend, OUR GOD CAN RESTORE!! Join me these next few weeks as I share the powerful road to my deliverance & how GOD broke the chains and set me free from this bondage.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14
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