Throughout my life, I've made many mistakes. I've done things I'm not proud of, said things that I wish I hadn't said, and I have regrets about choices I've made. However, there is one thing for sure that I definitely do not regret, and that is fighting for my marriage!
Many of my friends and family thought I was crazy for even trying to fix my marriage. They just simply didn't understand my actions. Yes my husband was unfaithful, but I certainly was far from being the perfect wife. After he walked out in 2008, He came back home two more times. During those times, I fought desperately to save our marriage. God used that time to reveal my mistakes in our marriage. I had spent years putting my children and career ahead of God and my husband. I was also a control freak who didn't stop to consider my husbands needs or feelings. So, when my husband came back home the second time in January, we set-up counseling and mentoring sessions and made a new commitment to God and each other.
January to June of 2009 was filled with ups and downs! My husband eventually decided that he could not keep his end of the new commitments, so he moved out for the last time in June. Sure, I was devastated, but God spoke life and strength back into me because I had been obedient and had truly tried to become that Proverbs 31 woman, wife, and mother. For the first time in years, I had truly given my husband the respect and proper priority in my life. God had taught me how to be the wife He created me to be, and I had been obedient to His calling. So even though things seemed to be going from bad to worse, I had peace in my heart.
After my husband left, he eventually asked me to try counseling again. I did agree to try that again, but soon after that stopped as well. God still asked me to stay committed UNTIL. He wanted me to stand firm, fight regardless of the circumstances, and trust Him with all my heart. There were times when God led me to do things that most people would find absurd: like listening to my husband when he was having problems, calmly interacting with him when he was neglecting our boys or making bad choices, allowing him to spend time in my home with our kids when he was unable to drive, and meeting the woman that he had an affair with face to face to discuss her role in my boys' lives.
"Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to STAND." ~ Ephesians 6:13
After two years of learning more lessons, growing in God, and walking in obedience, I felt a directional shift in where God was leading me. It was like Jesus just began to calm the storms of my life. I was uncertain of what was to come. So, I began a month of intense prayer and fasting to seek His direction. God eventually showed me that I had done everything He asked me to do, and that I needed to give my husband to Him. I didn't need to carry the burden any long. A few short months later, we were divorced.
You see, I finally began to realize that the journey was about so much more than my broken marriage. It was about me building a true relationship with God, learning to trust Him and His timing, walking in obedience to Him in all circumstances, and sharing His message of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and unconditional love with hurting souls. I learned that the outcome of my life doesn't depend on people. God wants only His best for His children. I truly have NO REGRETS about my journey! I know that God works all things together for my good, and there is a purpose. I trust Him completely!
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
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