If Beverly can talk about how she used to hate sex, then I surely I can share how I used to love it. Yes, you read that right. I USED to love sex...in such an unhealthy way.
There was a time in our marriage when I viewed sex as a tool to control my husband. I rewarded my husband with it, and I withheld it as punishment. I knew that he wanted sex, that I was his source for it, I had the ability to say "no," and that the lure of the possibility of sex caused my husband to do some of the things I wanted in the way I wanted. It was the illusion of control, and was part of our marriage becoming more like "Let's Make a Deal" than two becoming one flesh.
So what happens when wives use sex as a weapon of control? The weapon backfires in so many ways...
#1 Intimacy Dies: Where the environment is controlling, there is no intimacy or vulnerability. Controlling environments are not safe environments. You've got a choice- surrender control in exchange for intimacy, or choose the illusion of control.
#2 Desire Dies: The place where you focus your energy and time becomes what is most important to you; it becomes your desire. As you withhold sex from your husband, he will become less desirable to you...and you to him.
#3 Respect Dies: How can you respect someone you perceive you control? You can't. Your husband needs respect as much as he needs oxygen, and he WILL seek it out. If you no longer provide it, he will seek it elsewhere.
#4 Marriage Dies: As you perceive and handle the gift of sex contrary to the way God designed it, it will kill your marriage. If we don't understand the purpose of a thing (sex included!) we have no choice but to misuse it. Ignorance is not a bad thing, it just means you don't know. Don't use ignorance of God's design for sex within the context of marriage as an excuse.
Our God still raises dead things to life. My loving sex for the purpose of control was less about sex and more about my resistance to submission to God and my husband. Do you realize that God created sex? He doesn't shy away from it, He's not disgusted by it; in fact, when sex is enjoyed by a man and woman who are married within the center of God's will for their lives, He is worshipped in the midst of it!
Psalms 100:4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!
Not sure how to put down your perceived weapon and pursue your husband? Next week, I'll be sharing my journey from controlling to surrender, as I reread and share from the book Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. Will you pick up a copy and join me?
Hope for Recovery:
We're linking up with Yes They Are All Ours, Becoming His Eve, Marriage Mondays, Matrimonial Monday, Time Warp Wife, The Better Mom, Marriage Moment, Messy Marriage, Wifey Wednesday, and No Ordinary Blog Hop!
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