Throughout marriage, if we decided we would only have sex when we both were in the mood, how often would we have sex? Not much.
With marriage comes the convenant, the promise, to offer your body sexually to your spouse. And in Chapter 20 of Laura Doyle's The Surrendered Wife, she rightly encourages wives to Say Yes to Sex. I love the example she gives regarding the perspectives of a husband and wife on the frequency of sexual intimacy in their marriage, that in Annie Hall, Woody Allen's character complains to his therapist that he and his wife hardly ever have sex, only two, maybe three times a week. A the same time, she is complaining to her therapist that they have sex all the time- two maybe three times a week!
Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. ~1 Corinthians 7:3 MSG
The author shares some common complaints/excuses wives share for not engaging in sexual intimacy:
"I'm not in the mood."
As I mentioned earlier, if you waited until you were both in the mood, how often would you have sex? Say yes at least once a week. Making love with your husband affirms your love for him, causes him to feel loved and masculine. Lead with your mind...if you lay their thinking how you're not in the mood, it will take you longer to get there. Think about the parts of his body that you find attractive, how you feel when you ARE in the mood, and let your body catch up.
"I don't feel emotionally connected with him."
It can be difficult to respond to your husband when you're going through a rough spot or you're tired from a long day with the kids. Don't pass up the opportunity to engage with your husband sexually, for it can be the gateway for him to share and connect with you emotionally. Responding to your husband's sexual advances will provide opportunity for him to open up to you emotionally. The enemy (or your flesh!) may whisper in your ear, "why should I do something for him when he doesn't do anything for me?" Everyone loses in a standoff. When you married, when you decided to make Jesus your Lord, you chose to love unconditionally and put the needs of your spouse before yours. When you choose not to do that, you miss out on the amazing softening of hearts and becoming one flesh, and choose to create a power struggle instead.
Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. ~1 Corinthians 7:4 MSG
"I can't get aroused."
Refer back to not being able to get in the mood. Lead with your mind. Break out the oils, lotions, lubricants, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, mood music, soft lighting to set the stage in response to his inquiry. Take the time and communicate with each other about what arouses you. Or, you may need to make an appointment with your physician, perhaps there is a contributing medical condition that needs attention.
Pornography and masturbation: Author Laura Doyle also mentions that there will be times when you aren't able to come together with your husband sexually, and that he may choose to satisfy himself. She shares that pornography and masturbation are okay....and that is where we disagree. God created sex for the mutual satisfaction of a husband and wife, pornography and masturbation have NO part in that. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, using these tools to kill intimacy in marriage, cause isolation, and are incredibly addictive. We've written more about that here. And Jamie shares about her journey with her husband's pornography addiction here.
- I Messed Up by Max Lucado
- Common Questions About a Husband’s Sexual Addiction by Meg Wilson
- Why Pornography Robs a Man of His Humannessby Tony Rienke
- Fifty Shades of Caution by Dave Boehi
- 8 Lies That Destroy Marriage by Bill Elliff
- Sexual Detox: A Guide for the Single Guy by Tim Challies
- Sexual Detox: A Guide for the Married Guy by Tim Challies
- My husband wants to watch violent or sexy movies that make me uncomfortable. What can I do to change him? by Bob Lepine
- The Gospel of Change by Paul David Tripp and Tim Lane
- Can People Really Change? by Paul David Tripp and Tim Lane
- Sex Is Not the Problem by Joshua Harris
- Pornography and the Integrity of Marriage by R. Albert Mohler, Jr.
- Broaching the Subject of Masturbation With Your Child by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
- Taking A Stand Against Pornography in Your Homeby Dennis and Barbara Rainey
- Self-Centered Sex by Joshua Harris
- How Do I Escape the Trap of Pornography in My Life? by Dave Boehi and Mike Pickle
Sexual desire and intimacy is vital healthy part of marriage. If you find yourself with no desire, seek help, just as you would if you had no desire to eat. Speak to your physician if it's purely a physical issue, or a biblical counselor if you've experienced sexual abuse/trauma. There are many resources to help you understand your perspective, and perhaps help you dispel myths or misunderstandings you have about sex. Get the truth to dispel the lies!
One of our favorite websites for truth and practical conversations about sex is Hot, Holy and Humorous. We love the way J shares and think you will, too.
Resources we love:
NOTE: One thing I want to mention here is that yes, I am disappointed that with all God has to say about the role of wives and submission, the author doesn’t cite any scripture, yet manages to quote Buddha. It’s still a great book, it still lines up with God’s Word, the author’s frankness was a practical wake up call for me…I just wish she’d embrace and share that God is the author of surrender.
In case you've missed it, this post is part of a series following along with The Surrendered Wife. I'd strongly encourage you to pick up the book and read along! Catch up on the blog series now by reading: Control or Intimacy, Did You Marry a Loser?, Chauffeur or VIP, Shhhh!, Crazy Resentful, Your Heart's Desire, You Bought a What?!, Just Say Thank You, Girlfriends, Button Pusher, Expectations, Not a Mind Reader, Space to Work, A Wife's Role, It's Okay to Say I Can't, Intimacy: Naked & Unashamed, If You Can't Say Something Nice, Let Your Husband Be the Dad, and Seduce Your Husband.
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