This mom has good days, but the last few haven’t been my favorite. I don’t know what it is, but it’s a general feeling of heaviness, the weight of worry, insecurity, and lack of accomplishment. I’m sitting in between the busyness of toddler care, being ignored by my pre-teen, and wondering what’s next.
I’m feeling lost, unsure, and immobilized by the fear of failing. I’m irritable, rarely satisfied with the everyday things happening around me, and am so quick to beat myself down with horrible self-criticism, especially when I mess up, or completely space out and forget important details. I know I’m good at taking care of my kids, but have been out of the adult world for so long that it seems like a world with many obstacles to overcome. I’m not even sure I want to go there!
Where is this coming from? Just as I’m starting to feel like I’m getting a handle on these feelings, and turning the corner, I’m right back where I started… I have days where I’m so low, I literally feel like I’m walking in molasses. My thoughts are scattered and I’m scrambling to figure out a purpose and direction. Not for my life, I'm just trying to figure it out for the day, because figuring out my purpose on low days leads me right back down the path of feeling defeated again. This has to be an attack from the enemy; it can’t be from anywhere else!
Once I realize I’m in the middle of one of these attacks, I can feel hope flooding in, because I know the only way to defeat the enemy is with the strength of Jesus behind me!
On my good days, I can conquer anything! I am sure of my abilities, and I feel harmony with my purpose of being a full time mom in a blended family. I can look past my insecurities with my stepson, and see that we are making progress. I don’t find every single thing he says or does to be a bother, and I definitely have more patience with my own sense of urgency to create a deeper bond with him. Now that he’s almost 13, I’m acutely aware I only have a short time to influence him in a positive way, and I don’t want our daily interactions to be clouded with my personal struggles! I owe it to each of my boys to conquer the enemy during these attacks.
It is such a relief to know that God loves me for who I am, just the way I am, and is proud to call me His beloved. I can be as low, and ugly as I am on these days, and He’ll still embrace me! I don’t know why I go through low points like this, but I know that I have been relying much more on God’s promises these past few days. By sharing this, my prayer is that you will also be filled with HOPE if you are struggling with these same feelings. Yes, I can relate, but HE will embrace you with grace and love and fill you with the strength to face these tough days!
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. ~Exodus 14:14
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