The applause left me speechless. The crowd was cheering so loud, yet still above all the noise I could hear his hushed whisper as he leaned into the microphone and spoke the words I had been longing to hear, “I love you. Will you marry me?” My head was spinning, my knees felt weak, my heart was beating fiercely out of control…I could not believe that my boyfriend had just asked me to be his wife in an unexpected, whirlwind of a marriage proposal. The college auditorium was filled to capacity and it seemed as if all eyes were resting on me, waiting anxiously for my response. YES, I will marry you! The evening was filled with so many laughs, well wishes, so many dreams, hopes, until I received the call that shattered it all into a million broken pieces. The young woman on the other end of the line had proceeded to tell me that she had been sexually intimate with my fiancé only days before and had been secretly involved in an ongoing relationship with him. I dropped the phone, fell to the floor and cried out in pain. Everything within me ached. I longed just to close my eyes in hopes of later waking to find out it was all a bad dream…
Falling Prey To My Insecurities
How, why, when, the questions seemed to flood my mind and immediately they were overshadowed by haunting insecurities. Was she prettier than me? What color were her eyes? Was she smarter than me? Did she share the same interests that I did with him? My self-esteem was pounced on, I was humiliated, bitter, mortified, and right then and there in that very dark moment I gave in to every one of those insecurities and chose to believe that I would never measure up….
I allowed that low self-esteem to take up deep roots in my mind, and just like the enemy had planned all along, I find myself caught up in the bondage of a pitiful cycle of foolishness, low-self worth, sinful coveting, and sunk deeper and deeper into the pit of people pleasing and destructive relationship patterns.
Even many years later after marrying my husband, I catered to those haunting insecurities, that blurred vision and allowed it to enter my marriage, our bedroom, and cause me to cringe at the slightest thought of getting naked or transparent before my husband.
Let's get real
There is one thing I have learned when facilitating women’s conferences and through counseling sessions with other ladies. People want you to be real. That past pain was excruciating, it left me fearful, always anticipating the worst… It was not until three years ago when GOD restored my marriage and fully redeemed our home that I was able to say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I REFUSE to live like this any longer! How many of you know that change doesn’t always come over night? I had to turn it all over to GOD, be ready to learn, grow, heal... In order to break free from this bondage some things had to take place.
Break free from insecurities!
FORGIVE – You see a lot of women don’t feel beautiful because of something that has been said or done to you in your past. Did you know that forgiveness is not optional? I had to forgive that young lady and that man from my past from all the pain, hurt and wrong they had caused me. There are some of you right now who are reading this and you are struggling and you need to forgive some hurtful words that have been spoken to you or some gossip that has been shared about you, by someone in your past, a family member, a friend, or even a co-worker. You need to let it go and let GOD be the soothing salve that heals your wounds.
PRAY- I don’t want to sugar coat this for you. There have been mornings when I have just lied awake in my bed and prayed GOD, I need you to take control of my thoughts, ease my broken heart, fill my voids, and help me to be grateful for the way that you have so intricately formed every little thing about me. From my eyes, to my arms, to my corny sense of humor. I praise you Father for I am fearfully am wonderfully made and in my prayer time I have had to come against those attacks of low self-esteem in the Name of Jesus!
TRANSFORM YOUR MIND- In Romans 12:2 The Bible says,Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Notice something with me. That verse does NOT read, Be ye transformed on an annual basis, once a month, every two years, only when you are feeling low, but I am confident God is saying, Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind on a daily basis, and do you think for one moment that those thoughts that I had allowed myself to dwell on were the will of GOD? Good? Pleasing? perfect?? Have mercy, NO they were not!
Do Bad Days Come?
Honeychild, I ain’t gonna lie! Yes, Yes, YES, there are days that I look in the mirror and the enemy comes at me and says, who are you fooling, you will never measure up! Just give in and give up. Yet, in that moment, my spitfire, drama mama, spunkified, not going down without a fight personality comes forth and I have been known to yell out to the top of my lungs, and rattle the shingles off of my roof, SHUT UP SATAN, you and these insecurities can go right straight back to Hell! You no longer have a hold on me! I am beautiful, I am the apples of my Father’s eye, I am royalty, I am qualified, I am LOVED, valued, and desired, and above all forever more, I AM and will always be a child of the Most high KING!
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