There is a song that I love by Grey Holiday, and it has come to the forefront of my life recently. There is something so easy about running away. About hiding. Early in marriage counseling, I was asked why I didn't want my husband to look at me. Whenever we would fight or if there was something important that needed to be said, I wanted to hide my eyes. I thought of it as not wanting Kris to look at me.
But there was a deeper meaning.
I didn't want him to really see: my guilt, my shame, my fear, my heart. I longed for him to hear my heart, but it was extremely difficult for me to let him see into the depths of it. It is still very difficult. My instinct, when he stares at me too long or wants me to look at him when we are having a serious conversation, is to look away. I seem to believe that if I let him in, if I let him see, what he'll find is something that he will despise. That somehow, he'll see the ugly and the shame and he'll turn away from me.
And don't we do this with God? When we sin, when we run from what He has called us to, and He wants to talk to us about it, do we have the courage to look up, to face him and have an honest conversation about where we are at? Or do we pull away and try to hide?
More often than not, we hide. We don't want God to see who we really are. Because we are afraid that if He truly sees what lies in our hearts, underneath all of our pretense, that He will turn and walk away. And in this day and age of husbands or wives walking away and abandoning us, the last thing we need is one more person turning away and washing their hands of us.
But why do we do this? Why do we put God on the same level as the other broken humans around us? Why are we so convinced that this amazing God we claim to love will see our guilt and our shame and say, "That's it. I give up on you."?
Do you really believe that? Do you believe, deep down, that if God sees what's really in your heart, underneath the layers of pain and hurt and guilt, that you will no longer be worthy of his love?
What I think God wants us to learn is that even when we run and hide, He still knows our hearts. He knows the ache we feel. He knows the wounds we nurse. He desperately longs to bandage those, hold us close and say, "It's okay. I love you just the way you are."
It is only God who can do that. Until you can allow God to play that role in your life, no other human on earth will be able to give you what you want. If you do not first understand that you belong to God, no matter what condition your heart is in, you will not find joy in your relationships. It isn't possible. God is the only One that has the power to say to you:
"So come back to the light, to the love; you will find that it's been here all along. So come back to the start and you'll find in your heart that you always belonged to me."
Too often we depend on those around us, especially our spouses, to be the hope that gets us through another day. And when they fail us, we fall apart. Because all along, we have been dependent upon the wrong person. When your marriage seems to be falling apart and you can no longer depend on your spouse, and you don't know where to turn, you've missed the very important truth. You belong to God. No relationship you have or pursue will bring any kind of true and lasting fulfillment without your complete and utter dependence on God.
"Just take the rope I won't let it go Give in We can start again I'm Life I'm Hope And I'm ready to explode With how bad I want you back Home."
And while I know some of you long for these lyrics to fit in with your marriage, it is a message that is intended to touch your heart and help you see that first and foremost, you should desire this from God.
Because He desires this from you.
He wants you to know that you have always belonged to Him. And God always takes care of those under His care. Psalm 17:8 says, "Guard me as you would guard your own eyes. Hide me in the shadow of your wings." It is a prayer of David, as he understood that He belonged to God and that God alone could give him the peace and comfort he needed in a very difficult time in his life.
"You're my daughter, you're my son. You're the one I chose to love. And you've heard I chose to die. Do you know you're the reason why?"
YOU belong to God.
You have always belonged to Him and nothing you ever say or do will change that. And no matter how long you have stayed away, no matter how far you have run, you can always start again. You can grab onto that frayed strand of HOPE that God holds out to you, and it will always be stronger than your pain. He'll pull you back up to solid ground and bandage up your wounds. As a child belongs to its mother, YOU belong to God.