Comparison: Who Had I Become?


“You don’t love me anymore, do you?” I could hear the frustration in my husband’s voice as he shouted loudly above the vacuum cleaner. Refusing to acknowledge his question, I continued to proceed with the cleaning. Then with tears flowing down his cheeks, he approached me and asked once more. “Please answer me, I have toknow. Do you still love me?“

My marriage was beginning to crumble and I was becoming someone I did not even recognize. Looking back, I can see where I had fallen deeply into the sin of coveting. There, I said it. It is still so painful to reveal. I was guilty of coveting. I had become self-centered, seeking my own forbidden desires and almost allowed them to destroy my family…….

Just being candid, it took me quite some time to understand that my bondage to what I call the “comparison syndrome” had led to such a crippling sin in my life. I was longing and desiring to feel beautiful. I realize now that I was basing my standards on nothing more than the fake standards of beauty placed on women every day. We see it on the air brushed pages of every magazine in the grocery store checkout line, on television, the big screen, billboards and even facebook. Not many people post unflattering profile pics. Oh I am not judging. Believe me, girlfriend, I love that crop feature better than anyone. It's nice if the derriere is hanging out too far- crop it off!

Pit of Comparison

I mean, let’s get real. In most cases, you will not see a size 12 model on the front page of a magazine; and if you do, her cellulite, unlike mine, is not showing! There are no signs of the  fine lines, sagging boobs or dark circles. It’s all cropped, chopped and airbrushed perfectly. Honey child, for too long I  found myself allowing Satan to take up rent in my mind with thoughts of a low sense of worth and brutal attacks of low self-esteem. The true, sad fact was I had fallen into the pit of comparing my weaknesses to others strengths!

You see, my motivations to look beautiful turned sinful when I allowed them to be so strong that I started to covet the legs she had, or the firm hiney that she had, or the toned tummy she had, her tanned skin… Even more destructive the desires for the fun party life she had, the fun trips, or even the perceived “perfect exciting marriage" that someone else had. I remember sitting at a restaurant table one night with what I call "well-to-do, popular, newly separated ladies." I tried their giggles, the fake laughs, and flirts with the men sitting near by. I knew it was wrong for me to be in that place. It was all just a lie. Who had I become?

Desperate to salvage my marriage and break free from the chains of low self-esteem and insecurities, one night in the wee hours, I found myself weeping frantically at the end of my bed. Oh God, I need you. I can not do this on my own. My marriage has fallen to pieces, I feel ugly, confused,  and I am ready to be free. I need YOU to change my ATTITUDE. Take away this hurt, my fears of rejection, and feelings of low self-worth. Father, I need You to  show me who You want me to be. Help me to trust You. 

Oh yes,I gave the devil one fierce, harsh, crushing blow that night! I refuse to ever fall into that pattern of thinking ever again. I know I messed up Satan's plans big time! I am sure he was out to slowly kill me and destroy my home. I praise GOD for healing my marriage and setting me free from this bondage.

I won't lie to you, it has not always been easy. I wish I could tell you that I never fall into a comparison rut. I do know that each morning, I have to pray for GOD to direct my thoughts and if I find myself falling prey to my insecurities I cry out for  GOD to change my attitude. Father, help me to love the woman in the mirror that you created.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.   Proverbs 31:30

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