You may recall, my journey of surrendering started with a counselor telling me that I was being my husband's mother instead of his wife. It started after I'd learned of his long term adulterous relationship. It was like a ton of bricks had dropped on my head as I realized how I'd spent our married life sacrificing intimacy for control. So when the light bulb went off, I was reminded that I didn't marry a loser, and I realized all the things I'd been doing wrong, and started replacing old behaviors with new ones. I felt like a new woman and I wanted to shout it to the world!
But I couldn't. Just because *I* was having my own personal epiphany, seeing the world through new eyes, coming down off my mountain top experience, didn't mean that the world around me who had not experienced the same revelation could possibly see the significance of my decision to surrender. Just like when James, Peter and John returned from their mountain top experience with Jesus in Luke 9:28-26, what you will find when you come down the mountain of realization is exactly what you left behind when you went up the mountain.
"Wisdom is divided into two parts: 1) having a great deal to say, and 2) not saying it." -Anonymous
In chapter three of The Surrendered Wife, author Laura Doyle explains all the reasons to keep your new journey of surrender a secret from your husband, including horror stories of wives who excitedly shared their new found wisdom with their husbands with statements inadvertently laced with inherent criticism. while inflicting deeper damage to their marriage. Self defeating, to say the least.
We don't advocate keeping secrets from your husband...although we strongly encourage you to let your transforming character speak for itself, ala 1 Peter 3:1-3, that your husband may be captivated by your life of holy beauty. Your attempts at convincing your husband with your many words haven't necessarily been met with great success in the past...and we know that a different approach yields different results. From my own experience of not sharing my journey of surrendering with Scott, and instead, just letting him experience it, I can tell you that:
- he didn't know what to do with it
- he didn't know how to respond
- he was waiting for the day it stopped
- he didn't trust it
- he tested it
- he found it incredibly, deliriously irresistible
My journey of surrendering to God and to my husband was more about changing my attitude and character to line up with who God created me to be than about changing Scott or our situation. He was living with his girlfriend....and as much as I wanted him to come home and be the husband God created him to be, I wanted more to be the woman and wife God created me to be.
Laura Doyle's suggestion to share your surrendering experiences with a girlfriend is invaluable. We were not created to walk through life alone- women need other women to walk alongside them, teaching each other and holding accountable. Who are the godly women in your life? Reach out to them, reach out to women who may be walking the same path of surrender you are walking.
The transformation of your character is a moment to moment, day by day journey. You will have days that feel good and days you feel you've blown it. Don't measure each day- accept each day as good, rejoice in it, and continue to take the next right step of surrender in your marriage.
I hope by now you've picked up the book The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle, and have started or renewed your journey of surrender. Share your thoughts, we'd love to celebrate with you and cheer you on in your journey! Read the book through the eyes of God's Word, check everything against what He says.
In case you've missed it, this post is part of a series following along with The Surrendered Wife. I'd strongly encourage you to pick up the book and read along! Catch up on the blog series now by reading:
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